Blessings in Disguise

Death isn’t a new theme in anyone’s life around the world. I know this logically. And we all know it from reading those lovely assigned readings over the summer where inevitably some character died. Death is global.

But I’ve always been a local girl. Locally, to me, death is a new thing. Even if it happened seven months ago; it’s still as fresh as if it happened seven hours ago.

I miss her. I miss my friend. I miss the girl who knew when to make me laugh even if she didn’t always get why I was laughing at what she said. She put a smile on anyone’s face, and I can only hope to aspire to that.

Kayla Norman, my converse-rocking, purple-loving friend, is in heaven this holiday season. She’s a true snow angel while we can only make fake ones in the snow. And I miss her—I know I’m not the only one.

I’ve always wondered why some say when a death happens that one should just move on. Move on to what? What if I don’t want to move on?

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or loving any less, I know this, but I can’t just move on from Kayla’s amazingness. And, like other friends have said before me, I encourage others not to move on from her either.

Why?

Because she’s still here my friends. She’s in everything we do: in the moments that make us laugh randomly, the moments that make us teary-eyed, the moments that make us bawl like babies, and (of course) the awkward moments we always love. She’s here. And I’m so grateful for that.

I’m not truly sure what the point of this note is other than to say just that. I am eternally appreciative for Kayla’s presence in my life however brief I felt it was.

I hope and pray that everyone who knew her and even those who didn’t know that they should never just move on from death. It’s not something to move on from and it’s definitely not something to get over. I know I read something earlier this year about death staying with those who experience it forever. And it does. I understand that now.

And it doesn’t hurt any more to say that. Death is something I once feared, and now I see it as (cheesy as it sounds) another chapter to life. I have Kayla to thank for that.

Frequently these past few months I’ve thought to myself, “wow, that’s amazing…and she doesn’t see it.” Now I know this was wrong! Of course Kayla sees it! She whispers in God’s ear and helps Him pass along our blessings. I know it. And I am so thankful.

So, to end this, I pray that everyone who reads this is blessed and remembers the tried and true saying: God never gives us anything we cannot handle.

May your holidays be filled with everything you need. And always, never sit down and never shut up.

parks and poop

That's right. I said it. Parks and poop.

Today has been a great day. A day to forget about the last month or so and just relax and have fun. I'd forgotten how relaxing and amazing it is to just swing and let your thoughts wonder. And it's even better when you have a friend with you.

We talked in a way that we haven't done in a while. It was amazing to know that we still have a great connection as friends.

There is no other way to describe this afternoon besides amazingly awesome.

Note to self: make more time to slow down and just...play.

Sometimes you pick your friends, sometimes they pick you

She didn't make it.

Four words--give or take a contraction. One sentence.

How is it possible that one moment in time can change everything?

Yesterday was her birthday. She was going to be 19.

She is supposed to be here making us laugh with her and her crazy antics. She's supposed to make me smile in the awkward silences that always happen. She's supposed to run toward me when she sees me coming and we each give each other big hugs.

But she's not.

Damn it! Even though she's not here and I so want to be angry, I can't. It's not fair. Yes, life isn't fair, but how is that helpful? Telling me that. Is that supposed to make the pain of losing her go away? Is it? Or when people ask "are you okay?" if I say yes will that bring her back?

The questions never cease.

She didn't make it.

She didn't make it to her birthday party in her honor. She couldn't come to us, so we went to her. We had a picnic with Kayla and in true Kayla-like humor it started to rain.

We sat and ate with her anyway.

God, we weren't as close as we'd been in the last few years because I hadn't seen her in a while. I can't get past the guilt. Or the what ifs.

Life these days are just the moments between the what ifs.

What if I had hugged her longer? What if I had said I love you more often? What if she was still here?

I just miss her.

She didn't make it.

And we're still here.

I wish

I wish I knew why I always feel I have to act like a rock for everyone else.

Who is my rock?

Yes, Jesus is, but who is here in this spot to give me their shoulder?

I have friends, I have the best of friends, but I've always assumed the role of the one who is so strong and keeps everyone else standing.

Who is going to help me?

I can't last much longer.

numb.

I read about these things in newspapers frequently and see them reported on the 5 o'clock news. I even see them in the movies or on crappy TV dramas, but it's not supposed to happen here. In small town America. Mayberry, USA.

One of my best friends is dead.

Dead.

She was 18. She drove off the road this morning and hit a tree. Others walk away from these types of accidents. Not her. She always followed her own path.

Damn it! Why? Why must I keep getting the same look from everyone of pity? Will those looks bring her back? Will it?! Because if it does, damn, keep looking. But, it won't. No matter how many times I pinch myself and think that it's all a horrifying dream that will all be over soon, she won't come back.

The rational part of me knows she's gone, but the emotional part refuses to let go. I never knew that you could survive with part of your heart ripped out, but I suppose you can. Because I'm still here. A part of me is missing.

I feel so guilty for laughing or even thinking about something else besides where she is now. But if I don't, I know I will go insane.

Oh, God.

Why?

RIP Kayla, please know that I will always love you. No matter where you are.

i'll be your last train home

I wish I knew how to start off my blog posts with insightful statements, alas I never do.

Life since my last post has reduced in stress quite a bit. Well, at least stress from writing papers and taking large exams. Now more stress is more revolving around where the hell this year went. Geez. I sound so mature, no?

I wish I knew how to end my blog posts with insightful statements.

Wait.

Does that count?

make cookies, not war

Well, here we are again. In the exact same spot. Fun, eh? I thought so.

Anyhoo, it has been yet another stressful day and even more stressful week. It's only Wednesday. What the hell? It's only Wednesday! There should be a cap on how much stress there is in one week, but well college life just breaks all of those rules doesn't it?

There really is no point to this post other than to say that I have the feeling that this is just the calm before the storm because finals actually start next week, and if I come out of those mostly intact I will have survived my first year of college.

My first year of being away from my best friends for long-extended periods of time.

My first year of being away from my parents for a long time.

Heck, my first year living with anyone else for that matter.

Fun stuff, dorm life that is. Whoo. /sarcasm

I am exhausted both mentally and physically, so I think I will just go to bed somewhat early.

Goodnight world and those who may or may not read my ramblings on here.